Our marchers will be walking from Bexhill to Ramsgate via the various constituencies where Nigel failed to wholly overwhelm the total vote count of the eventual winning candidate. Upon his arrival in Ramsgate he will emigrate. Hundreds of people will cheer him along the way.
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Brussels - Bexhill
Leg one: Nigel will take a chartered Gulfstream g650 jet from Brussels to Gatwick, accompanied by Steve Bannon. The pair will order an Addison Lee Premier for the drive to Bexhill. The town is the scene of Nigel’s historic stand for sovereignty at the 2001 election when he received 3,474 votes (7.8%).
Bexhill - Eastleigh (avoiding Brighton)
Leg two: The Gulfstream is on hire for a fortnight so Nigel and Steve will take the hop to Southampton airport while the core marchers take in the stunning towns and villages of the Sussex coast (not Brighton) before passing through beautiful Hampshire. Upon entering Eastleigh they will be welcomed by Nigel at the Cricketers Arms, where he and Steve will hold an informal Q&A about the Alabama Senate election of 2017 when they both campaigned for a man credibly accused of child sexual abuse. Eastleigh is the site of Nigel’s high-profile stand for national self-determination in 1994, when he received 952 votes (1.7%) and lost his deposit.
Eastleigh - Salisbury
Leg three: Nigel has committed to walk this one (though Steve will supervise the aerial transfer of the Gulfstream). Marchers will take in the famous spire of Salisbury Cathedral and later join Nigel for an evening discussion on the geo-politics of Brexit, in which he will elaborate on his assertion that the world leader he most admires is Vladimir Putin. The town is the site of a strong 1997 electoral performance in which Nigel polled 5.7% and kept his deposit.
Salisbury - Buckingham
Leg four: Due a late-scheduled meeting with American federal investigators, Nigel will take the Gulfstream for this leg. The core marchers will have a one day layover in Buckingham, where they will be joined by Arron Banks who has organised a treasure hunt at Buckingham Golf Club. Arron has buried 8.4 gold coins under the first fairway and left a number of cryptic clues to help participants find the true location of the treasure! Buckingham saw Nigel garner 17.4% of the vote in the 2010 election.
Buckingham - Bromley
Leg five: Depending on how the meeting with the investigators goes, Nigel is hoping to join the core marchers for this leg through the stunning Chilterns countryside. Once he passes over the M25 and enters outer London he will call an Addison Lee Premier (purely for his own safety). He’ll be passing through the City of London (where he used to be a commodities trader) and the elite Dulwich College (where he was educated) before arriving in Bromley, the location of a 2006 by-election where he gained the trust of 2,347 voters (8.1%).
Bromley - Ramsgate
Leg six: Nigel will take the HS1 train through Kent (don’t worry it’s not the same as the Eurostar even though they use some of the same track). The march will end in the constituency where Nigel stood for election in 2005 (5%) and 2015 (32%). At 11pm precisely he will hand his blue sheathed passport to a border guard at Ramsgate port then board a Seabourne Ferries ship bound for Ostend. Only if there are unforeseen complications with the ferry service will Nigel cancel this final journey and accept he should remain in the UK to seek election to Westminster for an eighth time.